I asked on Twitter what you guys wanted to read on my next blog, which would be an all text blog. I got a few fun subjects but a lot of people wanted me to explain why I was no longer active on GodsGirls. I’m glad you guys reminded me because I think a lot of you (who have existing memberships because of me) deserve a better explanation. It was very unclear what was going on at the time and I’m sure it confused a lot of people. I apologize. I’m going to explain what happened from my POV as well as I know how. Don’t read if you’re impatient and shit because I ramble sometimes and this is my blog so I’ll write what I want, ha.
Modeling and porn has always been fun for me, but it is a job for sure. That is why I put forth so much effort self promoting, networking, and doing my job the best I can. The job may seem “easy” to some, but there is a lot of bullshit that sex workers have to deal with that is very exclusive to this industry. The concept of being a server and serving people food seems simple too, but there is a LOT that falls under the job that isn’t merely placing dinners onto tables and wishing a good meal. Some days will really kick you in the ass. I feel like it’s the same in the industry. Sure, one may think my job is just creating fap material and of course, that’s one of the main objectives, but make no mistake in assuming there aren’t unseen responsibilities and PAINS IN THE ASS (figuratively and literally hahaha) of this job!! There are so many!! Now, the point of this blog isn’t to sit here and bitch about my job, that I generally love. I just want there to be a clear understanding that it is NOT a piece of cake and I (and all others in the industry) am constantly dealing with harassment, slut shaming, painful comments, and if anything happens to us like we get beat up at a photoshoot, the police aer notorious for not taking sex workers as victims seriously.
Because of these circumstances, I try to reduce as much bullshit in my daily routine as possible, ESPECIALLY pertaining to work shit. I told myself I would quit porn once it stopped being fun, so I’m obviously not going to surround myself in “unfun” stuff. If you are reading this, I’m sure you’re aware of how socially conscious I try to stay. I understand that porn isn’t going to be “politically correct” all the time, and I accept that. I understand what this industry is. Being in this industry has really opened my eyes to how alive and common casual fetishization of Asian women is. It all ties into the sexualization of Asian women and also racism towards Asians in general. Being here also opened my eyes to how apathetic the general public was towards the issue, which hurts, but I understand. Welcome to the “real” world. Whatever, haha. It’s just something that I deal with A LOT regularly, and always have; even before I was naked online.
When I joined Godsgirls.com, I joined for the community they had. They were known for being open, accepting, supportive, and I just always heard awesome things from awesome people about them. I also wasn’t sure what I wanted out of the “alt porn” world yet, so I figured it would be a safe place to start and meet some people. I applied shortly after my 18th birthday and the community was great. I felt safe and unjudged. It was great for a while and I really loved the website because I felt like no matter where or how far I went into the industry, godsgirls would be a place to come back and just hang out. I planned on staying on that site for a long time. I was a super dedicated model and sent in +25 sets in the ~year I was there. The sets weren’t my best work all the time, but I could have sold them elsewhere and made a couple of hundred dollars. Godsgirls only pays 60 dollars per DIY set & about 37 for each PRO set. Submitting my sets to them and not selling them elsewhere was definitely not a standard work thing because otherwise, that low of pay is just not worth it. I stuck around because I set godsgirls apart from the rest of the industry, foolishly. I gave godsgirls members exclusive photos, journal upsets, and was active in the forums. I thought it was worth giving all of this because instead of getting money in return, I was getting this amazing, wonderful community that gave a shit about me. I mean, why else would I squander so much time and effort on a site that didn’t have much else to offer? I guess I had forgotten that they were actually in business to make money, they were a porn site after all. That was definitely my bad. The level of professionalism, the timeliness of the return emails, the 30-90 day wait to get paid a minute amount of money had me tricked. I just thought we were all extremely “lax” with one another.
A good chunk of the ladies I met on that site had the same stances on racism, sexism, and other social issues that I did. It was so awesome to finally connect with other women who did what I did and held the same beliefs I did. I regarded the site as somewhere I was unafraid to voice my feelings because of the strong support system and friends I had gained. I won’t go into much detail about what instances happened, but there were more than a couple that made me, and a lot of other ladies & members of the site, uncomfortable. They basically just had to do with sets that were pretty blatantly racist. I get it, people have fetishes having to do with specific ethnicities sometimes and to not cater to that is losing money. I GET THAT. I totally do. (Doesn’t make it right in my book, but it makes sense.) But there were some sets that didn’t even cater to a fetish, but rather perpetuated racial stereotypes and just made my stomach churn. There was a specific one that would have rubbed a lot of Asian women the wrong way, I’m sure. I didn’t initially say anything about it until the non Asian-model whose set it was publicly inquired about how it was racist to “want to be a beautiful Japanese woman” or something while she was wearing a Chinese dress. I don’t remember a lot of it but it was just super insulting because she wasn’t Asian and it seemed she had a very weeaboo point of view on “Asian culture” (there is no Asian Culture, however there ARE tons of different Asian cultureS). Unfortunately, I could no longer bite my tongue. I was not rude, I was not unkind, but I explained in the best way I could why it was extremely hurtful and how it affected my daily life and increased daily load of bullshit (you know, the one I try really hard to reduce). The way this entire incident was handled was horrifying, in my opinion. Two other Asian-American models and I all left the site shortly. I know I’m not crazy for taking offense. More importantly than my personal feelings, the set really contributed to a way larger and more serious issue that I felt pretty strongly about.
I didn’t expect any sort of coddling or even for the set to be taken down. A neutral dispersing of the tension would have done. I expected to be told I was “bullying” or “starting drama” over nothing even though I posted 1-2 comments and then said nothing else. However, I felt as if the site actually sent a “good riddance” type message to the models who left and didn’t say anything to the people who made racist comments. Even when the issue was addressed privately where members couldn’t see and in a mature, uncatty way, it was derailed. Basically another Asian model had said “this set hurt my feeling because blahblahblah” and someone said “i have a yeast infection” or something. It was just extremely dismissive and rude, in my opinion. Also I will say that I felt a lot of what I said wasn’t taken seriously by the site because of prior events that should have been petty and irrelevant. Events that had nothing to do with me, but rather someone I was close to got into an argument with someone who is a large part of the site. Not professional at all, but that’s just how that site is run. It just didn’t feel good. Was I expecting too much from a site that I put so much of my time into? Yes. I most certainly was. And that was my fault. I lost sight that it was a porn website that just wants to pay you as little money as possible for your nudes so they can sell memberships and make money off dudes who want to fap to you. WHICH IS FINE! NO QUALMS WITH THAT. I just wish instead of being like “we’re godsgirls: we’re alt and DIFFERENT than other sites, we have an awesome group of girls and community, our forums are so fun!” they would just be like “godsgirls, we don’t have a lot of money, nor are we that interesting”. Just kidding, that was mostly a joke.
It hit me in the face, why the fuck was I even there? I wasn’t making good money, I had enough “exposure”, and the awesome ‘community’ was stressing me out and making me uncomfortable as an Asian woman. I could only be comfortable again if I decided to ignore that racism bothered me. Probz never gonna happen. I don’t want to be somewhere that pressures me to WANT to ignore that I care about my racial identity. If that sort of thing doesn’t bother you…fine, but that sort of thing really irks me. I don’t expect everyone to understand my views, but I do expect them to be RESPECTED. Which is what godsgirls lacked. I was making regular journal updates, getting people to join the site, submitting hella sets, and just doing something for a community who obviously didn’t appreciate it or care about me back. I’m not trying to whine, because I’m over it and now very happy with the choice I made to leave. I am not saying they suck and no one ever work for them, but I just saw it as unnecessary bullshit in my life that wasn’t worth it. Had I been making 200 dollars per set and it had actually been work for me, I would not have cared so much. Work is work and I do it for the paycheck. GodsGirls never had that role in my life and I never counted on the pay that came out of it. It just wasn’t worth it for me. There are a lot of little things I could mention and pick at, but I don’t feel like it. I hope this was enough of an explanation and I hope you guys understand.
I do not regret joining the site, although I regret giving so much to it. I met some of the most lovely people through godsgirls. They are still. and will probably remain, in my life for a long time. I’m always thankful for that. <3
I’m not saying it is a terrible place. It’s a great place to start out and there is so much to benefit from being around so many lovely ladies. It just wasn’t the place for me.
In the mean time, I’ve been putting more effort into my website, my blog, and my next few moves in the industry. Thanks for reading